


In Bloom

by KittyBandit



Series: Rarepair Week 2k17 [4]
Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Death, Depression, Emotional Instability, Gardens & Gardening, Grief/Mourning, Healing, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 15:50:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12610112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyBandit/pseuds/KittyBandit
Summary: Kanda spirals into depression after the death of someone precious to him. After months of isolation, he slowly digs himself out of it with the help of a garden, a playful golden retriever named Steve, and a neighbor with a sweet smile.





	In Bloom

**Author's Note:**

> Day 4 of RarePair Week 2k17  
> Prompts: Green, Envy, Nature, Spring, Rebirth, Growth, Life
> 
> This was supposed to be fluffy and I went in the exact opposite direction. Whoops.

_“You should’ve come today…”_

Kanda grit his teeth so hard he thought they might crack. A sharp pain radiated in his jaw, up to his temples. He’d been sitting at his desk next to the window for hours now, watching the heavy late February snow pile up on the streets and sidewalks. It was quiet in his apartment, empty. Dark.

Lonely.

With a huff, he switched his cell phone to his other ear and rubbed at his aching forehead. “I heard enough shit from Tiedoll, I don’t need it from you, too, Lena.”

_“But, Kanda, it was his—”_

“I didn’t want to go.” The words were spat out like hot coals—angry, red, burning.

There was a sniffle on the other end of the line, and Kanda knew she was crying again. They’d all been crying since it’d happened last week—except for him. He’d sat dry-eyed through the week as arrangements had been made, bills settled. Tiedoll had helped Kanda pay for what he couldn’t, even when Kanda had told him to shove off. He’d received too many messages over the past few days. Condolences. Sympathies. Flowers with heartfelt apologies. Cards and texts and emails saying “Sorry for your loss.”

He hadn’t replied to any of them until Lenalee called him today, after the funeral.

_“I know you’re upset, but bottling it up like this isn’t healthy.”_

“Are you my therapist now?” he asked back, getting out of the chair and grabbing his tea from the desk. He pulled the mug to his lips and winced as he tasted the cold liquid. With a groan he headed back to the kitchen to freshen it up.

_“Only if you pay me,”_ Lenalee replied, her voice still strained. _“But, Kanda… You need to deal with this. You can’t ignore it.”_

Kanda smacked his ceramic mug on the counter, the tea splashing over the side. “I already told you and everyone else—I’m fine. Leave me alone.”

_“But Kanda—”_

Before Lenalee could say another word, Kanda hung up on her. She tried to call him back right away, but he ignored the call, shoving his phone deep into his pants pocket. Silence returned to the apartment, and Kanda sighed. He leaned against the counter, arms folded as he pressed his aching forehead against them.

He was fine. He didn’t need their pity. He just wanted to be left alone.

 

xXxXxXx

 

He was not fine.

Kanda had tried to go back to work the day after the funeral, but he’d spilled too many drinks and argued with nearly every customer. Lenalee sent him home and told him to rest. Lavi and Allen had volunteered to take his shifts for the week, until he got back on his feet. Kanda couldn’t argue with her—he’d almost punched out a few annoying drunks when he’d lost his temper. His fuse had been shorter than normal. Lenalee couldn’t have him at the bar in his condition.

But a week turned into two. And before he realized it, a month had passed.

Without a steady paycheck, his money ran out quickly, and unable to afford his apartment, he had no choice but to return home.

Tiedoll had welcomed him wholeheartedly. Kanda could stay as long as he needed to, no questions asked. Part of him wondered if the old man just wanted him around after what had happened with Alma, but as much as he wanted to be on his own, he didn’t have a choice. Every time he tried to return to work, something set him off worse than before, and Lenalee couldn’t afford to have him driving away customers from her brother’s bar.

So, he was back at home, in his old bedroom—like a teenager again. Tiedoll hadn’t changed his bedroom in all the years he’d been gone (five at least) and the reminders of his teenage years didn’t help matters either.

Alma’s room had been down the hall—and Kanda still refused to look in there.

Days passed like kidney stones. Each moment was painful and dragged him along without his consent. He knew time passed, but dates were meaningless. Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays—every day was the same. Tiedoll went to work in his art studio uptown and Kanda stayed at home. He didn’t eat much, no more than a meal a day (sometimes nothing), and he drank only hot green tea. The caffeine kept him up at night and upset his stomach in such quantities.

Tiedoll tried to talk to him, to pull him out of his pathetic routine of sleep, eat, and _nothing_ , but Kanda was too stubborn for help. He didn’t want help, and he certainly didn’t _need_ it. He knew what was wrong, and he knew why he felt the way he did. Everyone else could rightly fuck off and leave him alone. Besides, he didn’t want to feel better. He didn’t want to be happy.

Being happy without Alma felt wrong, like his heart was twisted up with spikes, chains, and nails. Like it was bleeding with each thready _thump_ in his chest. Like it would shrivel up and die at any moment.

But it didn’t. It kept beating on and on and on—the way Alma’s never would again.

 

xXxXxXx

 

April was wet and dirty and cool. The snow has mostly melted, but the chill still hung in the air. Kanda had been at Tiedoll’s for two weeks now, and he had pulled himself together, somewhat. He had remembered to shower every day, eat at least two meals, and hadn’t lost his temper in days. It was nothing to celebrate, but an improvement nonetheless.

That Saturday morning, Kanda sat at the kitchen nook, nursing a small glass of orange juice and ignoring the eggs, bacon, and hashbrowns Tiedoll had made for him. He stared outside. The dingy, muddy gray of early April covered the yard, but even from inside, he could see a few of the heartier plants poking up through the soil. Buds tipped the tree branches, and a few gusty blades of grass dared make their appearance.

Tiedoll had been yammering on about something, and Kanda had tuned him out as he always did. But when he noticed a lull in the conversation, he leaned against the nook wall, still staring out at the yard. “…What happened to the garden?”

Tiedoll sat down at the table, pushing his glasses back up his nose before grabbing his cup of coffee. “Oh, I haven’t taken care of it in years, Yuu. It’s too big for me to handle on my own. And the last time I tried to get out there to weed, I threw my back out for a week.”

“Hn.” Kanda sipped at the small glass of orange juice, eyes still focused outside.

“If you want to do some gardening, you’re welcome to,” Tiedoll offered, digging into his breakfast. “I’ve still got all the supplies in the shed out back.”

Kanda sighed and tore his gaze away from the window. He picked at the eggs on his plate and took a bite. It still tasted like ash in his mouth, but he swallowed it anyway. “Thanks for breakfast,” he mumbled.

Tiedoll’s smile nearly blinded Kanda for how wide and cheerful it was. “You’re welcome.”

 

xXxXxXx

 

The garden was an absolute clusterfuck, and the moment he stepped into it, he regretted telling Tiedoll he wanted to clean it up.

It had been raining for a few weeks now, and the excess water had drenched the entire yard. The sun had peeked through the clouds for almost two days now, and there were still wet patches that hadn’t dried. But by the time he realized what a pain in the ass the project would be, he’d already dragged all the supplies out. With an exasperated sigh, Kanda went to work.

Tiedoll’s house was large, a two-story tall, brick Tudor, with ivy growing up the sides and flower beds lining the house. The yard was expansive, both front and back, with trees, bushes, and garden beds—all overgrown with weeds. He realized Tiedoll had been right; there was no way he could’ve taken care of this mess on his own. As much as he hated to admit it, Tiedoll was old—too old to be traipsing about in a garden, especially one as dilapidated as this.

Rolling up his sleeves, Kanda started in on the task. Old weeds and fallen branches from winter storms littered the lawn and Kanda set about raking up what he could and bagging the debris. It took longer than he’d expected, working his way from the backyard and into the front. After three hours, he’d collected all the loose junk from the yard and managed to fill four bags worth. He dragged each bag to the alley and placed them near the garbage bin. It had been the worst part of the clean up effort, and Kanda had expected to be exhausted by the time he’d finished, but found that the exercise and fresh air felt… kinda nice. Since he was already dirty, there was no reason to delay weeding out the garden beds and checking to see what plants had survived the years of neglect.

He started by the front fence, the wrought iron interlaced with vines (what they were, Kanda had no clue). He checked the borders to each of the garden beds, the natural stone edging already lined with grass, the fresh blades poking in between the rocks. He worked at the bits of grass and weeds choking the garden, his gloves covered in mud. The clouds shifted as he worked, sun beating down gently on his back. The warmth radiated through his sweatshirt, and his mind quieted down for the first time in months.

Kanda was so focused that he didn’t notice the dog until it jumped against the fence.

He startled, not expecting the large golden retriever, falling back on his ass and blinking in surprise. The dog stood there on its hind legs, front paws on the fence, panting and smiling down at Kanda. It gave him a friendly bark, tongue lolling out the side of its mouth.

“Ah! I’m so, so sorry! The leash got away from me!”

Kanda’s dark eyes turned to the dog’s owner, a short, skinny man with large glasses and frizzy hair bound with ties. His long coat and shoes were splattered with mud from running after his dog, and when he finally grabbed the leash again, he stopped to catch his breath.

Kanda shrugged and stared at the dog, his lips threatening to twitch into a smile at the dopey look on the retriever’s face. He pulled off his gloves and stood up, petting the dog’s head. “It’s fine. No big deal.”

The dog’s owner gave Kanda a tired smile as he wrapped the leash tightly around his wrist. “Steve seems to like you.”

Keeping his eyes on the dog, Kanda continued to pet him. “…You dog’s name is Steve?”

“Well, Steve Rogers, actually.” He scratched at the back of his neck, shifting his feet awkwardly. “He kinda reminded me of Captain America when I got him, but I thought calling him Steve was a little more appropriate. I mean… If Captain America was any dog, I think a golden retriever would suit him well.”

Steve tilted his fuzzy head into Kanda’s touch, and he couldn’t help it that time. He smiled. “It’s a good name.”

“Thanks,” he replied, smiling easily at Kanda. “I’m Johnny, by the way. I live down the street.”

Kanda continued to pet the dog, avoiding Johnny’s gaze. “Kanda.”

“I haven’t seen you around much before. Did Mr. Tiedoll hire you to finally clean the garden?”

Shaking his head, Kanda finally let go of the dog. “No, I’m his son.”

“Oh! Really?” Johnny’s smiled widened. “He had mentioned that he had a few children, but that they all lived on their own now. I’m surprised I hadn’t seen you before now.”

“I just moved back in.”

Johnny pulled his dog down from the fence and gave it a good scratch behind the ear. “It’s nice that you’re here. Mr. Tiedoll doesn’t seem to have a lot help around the house, and he’s always so busy with his art classes. I’m sure he appreciates you being around more.”

“Uh—yeah, I guess…” A sick feeling grabbed Kanda’s guts and wrenched them tight, leaving him woozy and nauseated. He hadn’t really spoken to anyone but Tiedoll and a few of his friends since he’d moved back in with his adoptive father. Even though Johnny was more than polite and friendly, it set Kanda off. Being reminded of his reasons for moving back in, and the guilt that came with avoiding Tiedoll for so many years after he’d initially moved out left him off-kilter.

Johnny seemed to notice his unease, frowning slightly. “Well, I shouldn’t bother you any longer. But I’m sure we’ll see each other around. Good luck with the gardening!” he said as he led his dog back onto the sidewalk and down the block.

As soon as he was out of sight again, Kanda grabbed his mud covered gloves off the ground and rushed back inside. Not bothering to clean himself up, he stripped out of his dirty clothes and collapsed into his bed in nothing but a pair of boxers. Grabbing his pillow, he pulled it over his face and screamed into it.

He didn’t want to be here anymore.

 

xXxXxXx

 

It was nearly May, and the heavy rains had subsided. The days grew warmer, and Kanda hadn’t touched the garden since the day he ran into Johnny.

He’d avoided nearly everyone’s phone calls and text messages, except for Lenalee. She had a particularly persistent way of pestering him that made talking to her easier than attempting to dodge her. That sunny afternoon, Kanda lay in his bed, sheets unwashed for nearly a month at that point, and smelling like armpits and feet. Light struck across the room through the window, bright and annoying as he pressed his cell to his ear and tried to keep from cussing audibly.

_“How are you feeling?”_ Lenalee asked, her voice holding a softness that she’d been using for months since the funeral—like he was a frightened, wounded animal that she needed to comfort. Maybe he was…

“Shitty, like every other day.”

He heard her sigh over the other end of the line. _“Have you been out at all?”_

“No.”

_“Kanda…”_

“I don’t want to go anywhere,” he snapped, sitting up and glaring out across his room, as if she could see his frustration through the phone.

_“You need to get out. Take a walk or something. Staying locked up in your dad’s house isn’t going to make you feel better.”_

“I don’t care.”

Lenalee took a deep breath, and he could already tell she was frustrated with him. _“Do you want to come out with us this weekend? Allen and Lavi wanted to go to this new restaurant and—”_

“Pass.”

_“Fine,”_ Lenalee said. _“Did you want some shifts next week? Or should I get someone to cover for you again?”_

Kanda was quiet for a long moment. He knew he should get back to work, and that Lenalee had been more than patient with him. He’d been gone from work about two months, and she still saved his place. “Maybe in another week or two.”

_“Okay.”_ Her voice softened once more. _“Just text or call me and let me know when you want to work. I’ll fit you into the schedule.”_

“Thanks…” He knew he sounded less enthusiastic than he should have, but Lenalee didn’t seem too upset by his short fuse.

_“If you need to talk, just call me, okay? I know you hate talking, but seriously, just call. I’ll even listen to your breathing.”_

“Creepy,” he replied, though a smirk made its way to his lips.

_“Just for you.”_

 

xXxXxXx

 

The next day, Kanda dragged his ass outside and checked the gardens. Some of the flowers Tiedoll had planted years ago were still stubbornly rooted into the soil, despite the neglect. Peonies, ivy, hydrangea, and lady slippers had started to grow, though the flowers had not yet bloomed. The ivy had been first, crawling along the walls and fence surrounding the yard, then the others.

Tiedoll had bought him bags of seeds and bulbs a few weeks ago, when Kanda had intended to start this project, but flaked after the first day. Still, better late than never. He still had time to get the bulbs and seeds started.

He spent the rest of the day digging with the tiny hand shovel and popping the plants into the ground with care. Weeds had sprouted since he’d last worked the soil, so he yanked those out by the roots when he found them. By the time he’d finished, it was nearly dinner time, and Tiedoll would be back from teaching classes.

Kanda put away all his tools and supplies, then went back inside to clean up. By the time he was out of the shower and in some clean clothes, he felt a little lighter. Maybe Lenalee had been right, and he _did_ need to get out more, even if he was loathed to admit it.

Well, he was outside at least. He didn’t have to leave the yard, though.

 

xXxXxXx

 

It had been a while since Kanda had planted flowers of his own, and had forgotten how long it sometimes took for them to take root.

Two weeks passed and he only noticed a few sprouts coming up from the dark earth. Kanda grew impatient to see how many flowers would take, and spent his days weeding and trimming the trees and bushes. He was working on one of the many lilac trees near the front yard when he noticed a familiar pair of golden paws up on his fence.

“Ah, sorry again!” Johnny said, catching up with the sneaky dog. “Steve really likes to come over here, it seems.”

Kanda set the clippers down near the base of the tree and moved towards the fence. He scrubbed at the dog’s scruffy neck, a smile gracing his features more easily than before. “I don’t mind.”

Johnny looked around the garden and grinned. “It looks like some of the flowers are already coming up!”

“Yeah…”

“It’ll look amazing when they’re all in bloom! I can’t wait!”

Kanda’s gaze shifted to Johnny, and he was thankful his attention was on the garden, and not Kanda. He studied his face, or what he could see that wasn’t hidden behind those thick glasses. He seemed genuinely excited for the flowers, more than Kanda thought was possible for such a little thing—and his smile was so wide, bright like the sun.

Almost like Alma’s smile had been.

He turned away then, focusing on the sweet retriever clamoring for his attention. “I hope so,” he said, petting Steve as it licked at his arms.

Johnny turned back to him, that same dazzlingly bright smile on his face. “I know so!”

 

xXxXxXx

 

“How the fuck did you two get in here?” Kanda asked, glaring up at his uninvited guests as he lay back on the couch.

Lavi winced as he shoved his hands in his jean pockets, stopping just on the other side of the coffee table. “Geez, Yuu. Nice way to talk to your friends.”

Kanda said nothing in return and continued to stared at the TV just past Allen and Lavi. He’d had it on all day, though he had no idea what channel was on or what he was even watching. It was just noise. He needed the noise today—the silence was too much to bear.

Allen took a deep breath, as if to calm himself, then leveled his gaze at Kanda. “We want to take you out tonight.”

“No.”

“Kanda, we’re really starting to worry about you.” Allen shifted closer, glaring down at him. “You haven’t left here in months and you never return our messages. If it weren’t for Lena keeping tabs on you, we would’ve thought you were dead already.”

“And now you know I’m still alive, unfortunately, so please leave.” Kanda refused to make eye contact or leave the couch.

Lavi groaned and ran a hand through his messy red hair. “Seriously, when you talk like that, it makes us think you really want to die, too.”

“Maybe I do.”

Lavi opened his mouth, ready to spit back a reply, but Allen turned and shook his head. With a defeated sigh, he crossed his arms and let Allen continue.

“Please come out with us,” Allen continued, his tone straining to be kind. “It’s your birthday. We want to take you out and treat you to dinner.”

“Lena will be really upset if you don’t come,” Lavi added, still pouting off to the side.

Kanda hesitated this time, his throat dry and tight, but continued to stare at the TV. The commercials in the background broke the silence between them, the false cheerfulness an achingly stark contrast to the tension in the room.

“I don’t want to go.”

Allen broke first, sighing loudly. “Dammit, Kanda. How long are you going to waste away here?”

Kanda’s eyebrow twitched, the lines around his mouth deepening as he scowled. “It’s none of your business.”

“Yes, it is!” Allen snapped, hands balled into fists at his sides. “We’re your friends! We _care_ about you! And I’m tired of seeing you fall headfirst into depression and do nothing about it. Enough is enough!”

Lavi’s good eye widened at Allen’s words, and he took a step towards him. “Al—”

“Get over it, Kanda.” Allen glared down at him, silver eyes narrowed. “Alma’s dead. He’s _not_ coming back—and you wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to help a goddamn thing!”

He could’ve kept his calm had the beansprout not mentioned that name. Kanda’s heart started beating wildly in his chest, anger and frustration and hurt all coalescing to a crescendo of pain in his body. “What the fuck would you know about it?” He jerked up into a sitting position, eyes sharp on Allen.

“Don’t act like you’re the only one to lose someone you cared about,” Allen spat, not backing down.

Kanda stood then, shaking with rage. “You losing your dad is _not_ the same as Alma. Maybe if Lavi died, you’d understand.”

“Hey, wait—” Lavi tried to interrupt, but the argument escalated.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Allen asked, a laugh escaping his lips that verged on hysterical. “Are you seriously saying you have it worse, as if losing Alma was more traumatic than me losing _my father_. Is this some kind of contest?!”

He could already tell he was on the losing side of this argument, but his temper had already flared. Unable to make himself concede, he dug the hole deeper. Maybe if he pissed them off enough, they’d leave him alone again. “I don’t give a shit about you or your dead father. Just get out of my house!”

He didn’t even see Allen take the first swing, but he felt the impact on his cheek, sharp and stinging as his knuckles made contact. The force almost threw Kanda back on the couch, but he managed to stay standing. Lavi shouted at them both, grabbing Allen before he could throw another punch. Allen struggled in Lavi’s grasp for a moment, then went limp, even as his eyes burned hot.

Ripping himself from Lavi’s hold, Allen stormed off to the front door. “Stay here and rot, _Bakanda_! I don’t give a shit!” Allen disappeared, the door slamming shut behind him as he left the house.

Lavi rubbed his face with one hand, still standing there, looking too serious. “Yuu… Alma was our friend, too.” He stared back at Kanda making sure their eyes met. “You’re not the only one who’s hurting.”

Kanda said nothing in return, turning his head away and ignoring Lavi’s comment. When it was clear he wouldn’t interact with Lavi further, the redhead sighed and left without another word.

As he sat on the couch, TV quietly running in the background as his cheek ached and burned, Kanda sighed in relief. It was better this way. He was better off alone.

Everyone would leave him sooner or later. Better to cut them out now before he grew too attached again.

 

xXxXxXx

 

_“What happened?”_

Kanda groaned and would’ve ended the call if he didn’t know that Lenalee would simply come over instead. And fuck, he really didn’t want to see anyone right then. “Nothing.”

_“Nothing?! Lavi said you goaded Allen into punching you! I wouldn’t call that nothing.”_

“I don’t want to talk about it.” At least that wasn’t a lie. He didn’t want to talk about anything—especially not to Lenalee.

A heavy sigh echoed over the other end of the line. Kanda had grown accustom to Lenalee’s various exasperated noises by this point. _“Kanda, you can’t keep bottling this stuff up. Eventually, you’re gonna crack.”_

He leaned against the edge of the couch, having not moved from the spot since Allen and Lavi had left hours ago. Honestly, he was surprised she didn’t call him sooner. “I don’t care.”

_“You keep saying that, but I don’t believe it. I think you do care, Kanda. I think you care too much, and that’s the problem.”_

“If I wanted my head shrunk, I’d go to the psychiatrist.” He stared at the TV, still not sure what program was on. The sun had almost set, and the only light in the living room was the glare from the set. Tiedoll would be home soon, too, and he needed to figure out a way to avoid any birthday nonsense with him as well. That would be infinitely harder than dealing with beansprout and that idiot rabbit.

_“I wish you would go,”_ Lenalee mumbled, her voice weak and heavy with sadness. The tone pinched at Kanda’s heart and made it hard to swallow.

“Worry about yourself for once,” Kanda said, though the rudeness he’d tried to put in his voice fell flat.

There was a beat of silence before Lenalee took a breath. _“Happy birthday, by the way. How does it feel to be 24?”_

Kanda scoffed and turned the TV off before heading upstairs. “Don’t ask stupid questions.”

_“Sorry.”_

He slipped into his room and locked the door before checking the window. Tiedoll’s car wasn’t in the driveway yet. He still had a few moments of peace. “I’m hanging up now.”

Lenalee didn’t bother to argue with him. _“Please call me soon, okay?”_

He didn’t respond before he hit End Call. He never called her, anyway. It was stupid of her to ask. Setting his phone on the nightstand, he flopped onto his bed and pulled the pillow over his head to block the last few rays of sunlight streaming into his room. All he wanted was for this day to end.

 

xXxXxXx

 

Flowers blossomed, delicate petals opening slowly with the warm June sun. Gladiolus, peonies, tulips, aster, lilies, delphiniums, salvia, foxglove, bleeding hearts. Kanda could barely keep track of all the different types of flowers that began to bloom in the soft heat of early summer. He weeded and watered the beds, tended to the gardens nearly every day. Things were easier when he was in the yard. His phone wasn’t constantly buzzing and begging for attention. The air was fresh. His head could clear. No one bothered him.

—Well, almost no one.

“I can’t believe how pretty the lilacs are!” Johnny said, leaning over the fence to stare at the closest tree. He reached out and brushed his fingers over the purple blossoms, grinning. “They smell so good, too.”

“Mm,” Kanda mumbled, still on his knees as he worked out a ruthlessly stubborn dandelion root that had invaded the patch of black-eyed susans near the fence. Johnny had stopped by periodically any time Kanda worked in the yard, and seemed to realize that his taciturn demeanor was not unfriendly. It helped that Steve seemed to appreciate him more with each visit. The large retriever demanded to be pet every time it jumped up on the fence, its large paws lost in the overgrown green ivy that wove itself through the wrought iron bars. Kanda couldn’t say no to that dopey face, and indulged the dog every visit.

“I wish we had lilacs in the yard at my apartment, but there’s no room for them.” Johnny stared wistfully at the purple blossoms. “I’m lucky the landlord bothers to keep the grass trimmed.”

“You should move, then,” Kanda said offhandedly. He brushed the dirt from his gloves before standing up and looking over to Johnny, who was still admiring the lilacs.

“It’s not so easy,” he admitted, still smiling. “It has cheap rent and allows pets. It’s hard to find a place like that.”

Kanda nodded, and looked back at the lilac tree. The flowers were in full-bloom, and would only last another week or so. Lilacs were so fleeting, and he barely gave them any thought. He preferred the heartier plants.

“They’re so pretty,” Johnny said again. “They might be my favorite flower.”

The comment gave Kanda pause, and he felt his heart jump into his throat again. Mouth dry, he leaned against the fence and beckoned Steve to come closer. The dog jumped up on its hind legs and braced its front paws on the fence. Kanda pet it, trying to calm his racing heart.

“Why’s that?” he asked, hoping Johnny wouldn’t notice his unease.

“They make the whole neighborhood smell amazing. And they’re only around for a short while. You have to enjoy them while it lasts.” He turned to grin at Kanda again, and checked to make sure he had a hold of Steve’s leash.

“Wouldn’t that just annoy you? The blossoms are gone so fast.”

“But that’s what makes it special! If lilacs bloomed constantly, then you would take them for granted.” Johnny scratched behind his dog’s ear, still painfully optimistic. “They’re even more beautiful because you know they’ll disappear soon. You appreciate the little time you have to enjoy them.”

Kanda tried to swallow, but his throat was still dry. After a moment, he grabbed a pair of shears from his tool bucket and snipped a few branches from the tree. After trimming them down and arranging them into a manageable bunch, he handed them to Johnny. “Here.”

Johnny took the offered flowers, eyes wide behind his thick glasses. “For me?”

“Who else would they be for?” As soon as the flowers were out of his hands, Kanda went back to work weeding around a patch of lady slippers. He couldn’t look back up at Johnny, not when his stomach was coiling up like an angry serpent.

“T-Thank you,” Johnny said, a faint blush on his cheeks. “You didn’t have to do that.”

Kanda shrugged, still avoiding his gaze. “You can have them at your apartment now, at least for a little while.”

“That’s really thoughtful, Kanda.”

Kanda could only grunt in response, words too complicated for his flustered tongue. His dark eyes focused on the weeds peeking out from under the broad leaves of the pink lady slippers.

Johnny chewed on his lower lip, worrying the soft flesh as he looked down at the flowers in his hands. “Um…” he started, voice raising an octave as he fumbled for his words. “I, uh… Kanda? Would you maybe like to come with me to the café? I could get you a coffee to, uh, thank you for the flowers?” He said the last sentence like it was a question, unsure of himself as he anxiously twisted his fingers around the lilac stems.

That tightness in Kanda’s stomach increased tenfold. He hadn’t left Tiedoll’s house since he’d moved in, and the furthest he’d dare go was the yard. He hadn’t even stepped out onto the sidewalk. “You don’t have to thank me. Besides, I don’t like coffee,” he mumbled, still digging at the weeds in the garden. The spade trembled in his hands.

Johnny wrung his hands as Steve whined at his side. “H-How about tea, then?”

Kanda had to keep his head down, or he knew he would crack. “Can’t. Maybe next time.”

Defeated, Johnny nodded, and took a step back from the fence. “Okay. Next time, then,” he said before he headed back down the street.

When he disappeared around the corner, Kanda sighed and sat back in the grass. He stared up at the lilac tree to his right, lips pulled into a thin line.

Alma’s favorite flower was lilac, too.

 

xXxXxXx

 

Kanda stared at the screen of his cell phone for what seemed like an eternity. One little word—that was all he had intended to send, but it left his hands shaking and his head buzzing like a bee’s nest. It shouldn’t have been this hard, but he’d started this mess, and it was up to him to dig himself out.

Finally, he pressed send.

1:43 PM: Sorry

He hadn’t expected a reply, or even acknowledgment, but before he could put his phone down, he saw the little icon on his screen indicating Allen was texting him back.

1:44 PM: Oh are we speaking now??

1:44 PM: I thought you were still ignoring everyone

Kanda groaned. He knew that damned beansprout would give him lip. He quickly typed up a response.

1:45 PM: Im tellin u im sorry ok dont be an ass

He regretted the text as soon as he pressed send. Allen’s reply came like a shot, hitting him square in the chest.

1:46 PM: I think I earned the right to be an ass to you after what you said to me and Lavi

Wrinkling his nose, Kanda sent a reply.

1:47 PM: Ur the one who punched me wheres my apology

1:48 PM: I kinda wanna punch you again rn you asshole

Kanda groaned and had to restrain himself from chucking his phone out the window. This was not going how he had planned.

1:50 PM: I said im sorry ok

1:50 PM: Im sorry for ignoring u and rabbit

1:51 PM: And for saying shitty things

1:51 PM: Im sorry

The silence after his last text ate away at Kanda. He’d never been one to hold his breath waiting for a response, but he was ready to climb the damn walls by the time Allen responded.

2:01 PM: Fine I accept your apology

2:01 PM: Lavi does too

2:01 PM: And I’m sorry I punched you in your stupid face

Kanda huffed at the wording of Allen’s last text.

2:02 PM: Ur the one w a stupid face beansprout

Allen’s reply came fast—and made Kanda curse under his breath.

2:02 PM: Nice comeback

2:02 PM: Did you hurt yourself thinking up such a witty reply?

“You fucking—” Kanda growled aloud as he typed furiously on his phone.

2:03 PM: Shithead

Allen shot back with his own affectionate nickname for Kanda.

2:03 PM: Buttmunch

The texts devolved into petty name calling, and that knot in Kanda’s stomach eased up. This felt familiar—comforting. He and Allen hadn’t thrown insults back and forth since before the funeral—Hell, they’d barely spoken in all those months. But if he could do this, if he could patch up his friendship with _beansprout_ , then he wasn’t a complete lost cause.

 

xXxXxXx

 

The lilacs disappeared after another week, but Johnny still stopped by to chat with Kanda. His smile never faltered and Kanda swore that when he came to visit, the sun shined a little brighter—though, that was likely just his imagination.

Kanda offered him flowers once in awhile—lilies, gladiolas, daisies, daffodils—and Johnny would take them with gratitude. Kanda told him it was because his apartment didn’t have flowers. Maybe that was a half-truth. Maybe he just liked seeing Johnny’s smile grow like the plants he tended to every day.

Each day he stopped by, Johnny would ask Kanda to join him at the café, and each time, Kanda declined.

 

xXxXxXx

 

Cold sweat dotted his skin as his stared up at the ceiling. Kanda felt his heart banging against his chest, like it wanted to leap out, like it couldn’t stand being trapped inside him for another second.

He fumbled for the lamp on the nightstand, nearly knocking it over in his haste to turn on the light and chase away the darkness. As soon as light flooded the room, he let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. His body shivered, cold and damp, as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and clutched a hand over his chest in a pathetic attempt to calm his racing heart.

It was a dream—just a dream.

He hadn’t dreamt of Alma in weeks. Sometimes he’d recall memories in his sleep, or only have a vague sense of what had happened. He woke with emotions stuck in his chest, weighing him down until he felt like he was drowning. Sadness, longing, despair.

And pain. So much pain.

Kanda scrubbed his hands over his face and took a few deep breaths. It had been a bad one, worse than before, and it left his skin crawling—like ants had burrowed under his flesh, eating him alive. Unable to sit still any longer, he stumbled to his feet and grabbed a dirty sweatshirt from off the floor. After yanking it on over his bare chest, he snatched his phone off the nightstand and went down to the kitchen.

The bright light left him disoriented, but he managed to grab the kettle and start some water boiling before digging through the cabinet for a bag of green tea. After setting the bag in a clean mug, he plopped down at the kitchen table and tapped his phone against the wood, staring off across the room.

He couldn’t recall the specifics of his dream, but it left a sense of dread and panic so deep in his bones that he couldn’t shake it, even after waking. Hazy scenes and clipped conversations hung in his mind like an old spider’s web. Stark white hospital corridors. The scent of disinfectant. Bloody stitches. Sterile, medical jargon—too complicated to understand.

And Alma… Stiff. Cold. Lifeless.

The kettle sang, snapping Kanda out of his spiraling thoughts. He grabbed it off the stove and poured the steaming water into his mug before settling back into the chair at the kitchen table. As the tea steeped, he stared at his phone. He waited, staring, the seconds ticking by. With a groan, he unlocked the screen and hit the call button, pulling the phone to his ear. He heard the ringing on the other end of the line. Once. Twice. Three times. It rang again and again, until finally she answered.

_“Kanda?”_ came Lenalee’s groggy voice over the speaker. _“Why are you calling me at… One in the morning?”_ She sounded irritated, but mostly tired. He suddenly felt guilty calling her so late.

“Sorry, I’ll let you get back to sleep.”

_“Hang on a minute.”_ The sleepiness in her voice cleared. _“What’s wrong? You never call me.”_

Kanda pressed his lips together in a tight line, realizing exactly what he’d done in a moment of weakness. “Nothing, forget it. I’m gonna g—”

_“Oh, so you call me at one in the morning for nothing? What’s really going on, Kanda?”_

He sighed, staring down into his tea. The water had turned a greenish brown by then. “…Had a bad dream,” he finally admitted, even though saying those words out loud made him feel childish.

Lenalee, however, didn’t tease him. When she spoke next, her voice held nothing but concern. _“Are you okay?”_

“Not really…” It was late, and he was too shaken from the dream to keep his defenses up. He rubbed at his face with his free hand before grabbing his tea and taking a long swig. It burned his tongue.

_“It was about Alma, wasn’t it?”_

Kanda couldn’t deny it. She knew it would’ve been the only thing he’d contact her for. Besides, everyone knew he was still broken over Alma’s death. Nothing in his life had been right since—like he was stuck in place, feet glued to the floor, while everyone else went on. Everything blurred around him while he stood still, stuck in time, wishing he could go back to a point where things made sense, where he wasn’t alone—

Where he still had Alma.

“I miss him.” The words tumbled from his lips, surprising him when he realized what he’d said. His hand tightened on the mug in his hand, the ceramic burning against his skin.

_“I know,”_ Lenalee said, her voice cracking. _“We all do.”_

Kanda’s throat burned, and he scrubbed at his eyes as he held his breath, not wanting her to hear the raw pain that still ate at his insides. There was a long silence, a few sniffles on the other end of the line, then she spoke up again.

_“Kanda, you have to let go sometime.”_

His shoulders hunched at her suggestion, and he grit his teeth. “No,” he snapped, anger clear like crystal in his voice. “If I let him go, he’ll really be gone.”

Lenalee never lost her temper, her tone staying soft and sorrowful. _“I don’t mean like that. Kanda, you need to let go of your grief. We’re all sad, and we always will be—at least a little. But we’re all moving on with our lives except you. It’s been months and you’re still stuck.”_

He couldn’t refute a single thing she’d said. He knew it was true—he needed to move on. He needed to get on with his life. There was nothing to be gained living like the husk of his former self, like his life had ended when Alma’s had.

When he didn’t say anything, Lenalee asked, _“Isn’t there anything that’s made your happy these past few months?”_

“Happy?” A memory pushed to the forefront of his mind—big golden paws of a retriever on his fence, begging for attention, and his cheerful owner complementing his flowers and asking him out for tea. Kanda swallowed, a hot flush over his cheeks. “Maybe. I guess.” It was all he could say, all he wanted to admit in the moment.

_“Then follow it—follow what makes you happy. Do something to get out of this cycle of grief, Kanda,”_ Lenalee said, soft and sullen. _“We’ve already lost one friend. We don’t want to lose another.”_

 

xXxXxXx

 

July was hot and dry, and the flowers were in full bloom. Kanda didn’t mind the heat, but watering the garden took a lot of time and effort, especially when the only hose Tiedoll owned was knotted up like the old man’s arthritic hands. He struggled with the bright green length of rubber tubing until it cooperated long enough for him to get water to the flowers.

As he worked his way to the front lawn and started to quench the dry soil under the gladiolas, he heard a familiar bark and the sound of excited paws scratching against the sidewalk. When he looked up, Steve’s large, toothy grin greeted him, tongue lolling out of his mouth as he panted. Johnny wasn’t far behind, chasing after his escaped pooch.

“Ahh, sorry again. He keeps slipping this darn leash.” Johnny had to catch his breath as he stopped just next to the fence, hands on his knees.

Kanda pet the golden retriever, letting the dog lick his hands and arms without care. “Just hold the leash tighter,” he said, an amused smile tipping up on his lips.

“Easier said than done. I think Steve was a horse in another life.” Johnny wiped at the sweat on his forehead. “He almost yanked my arm off when he saw you.”

“Mm,” Kanda mumbled, still petting the dog.

When Johnny finally stood straight and took in the garden, he grinned. “Wow! The flowers look amazing!” He leaned in over the fence, and took in each of the gardens beds he could see. “This looks great! All your hard work paid off, Kanda!”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“I’m sure Mr. Tiedoll appreciates it, too.”

Kanda nodded, still scrubbing his fingers through Steve’s fur. He glanced over at Johnny, who was still admiring the flowers and plants. A nervous knot tied in his stomach, and he hoped he could play off his flushed cheeks as sunburn.

Johnny took a step back from the fence and grabbed Steve’s leash again, tying it tighter around his wrist. “Ah… I was taking Steve to the ice cream shop, since it’s so hot out today. I know you’re probably busy, but if you weren’t, maybe you would like to come with us?”

Lenalee’s words ran through his head after Johnny asked the question. _Follow what makes you happy._ Maybe he could try… Maybe, just this once, he could give in and not hold back.

He wanted to be happy again.

“Sure,” Kanda replied, his voice almost cracking on the single syllable.

“Really?” Johnny asked, blinking in surprise.

“Yeah.” He pulled his fingers free from the dog’s fur and opened the gate next to the garden, stepping out onto the sidewalk for the first time in months. “I like ice cream.”

Johnny’s grin grew, and he fell into step next to Kanda as Steve pulled the leash and led the way to the ice cream shop. “Me, too!”


End file.
